Saturday, 10 April 2010

User pays

"Let me tell you something for nothing," said Beryl. "The council will rue the day they designated this an off-lead park."

"I didn't catch that," said Joyce, "There was a fly in my ear."

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "My offer to tell you something for nothing was a trial only, allowing you to access my observation a single time, on the occasion of its original broadcast. Would you like to subscribe to our on-demand service which will allow you to hear that particular something, as well as hundreds of other somethings, at any time you wish, twenty-four hours a day?"

"Uh?" said Joyce.

"Great!" said Beryl. "I'll just run you through the details. For only forty-five dollars a month, plus a one-time fifty dollar connection fee, you can access my inane thoughts on trivial matters at any time, day or night, seven days a week. The forty-five dollar per month plan provides free access to services during off-peak periods; access during peak periods is charged at the standard rate of sixty-two cents per inane observation. Fair use policy applies, and the inanity reseller retains the right to suspend access at any time. Do you agree to these terms, and to any subsequent terms the provider may introduce at any point even without your knowledge?"

"Ehm?" said Joyce.

"Great!" said Beryl. "Welcome to the Beryl's Inane Observation Family! As a reward we would like to give you ten dollars worth of Beryl Credit. This can be used to pass on any of my inanities to family or friends who have also signed up to our punitive twenty-four month plan!"

"Flergh?" said Joyce.

"Great!" said Beryl. "Please note that you may discontinue your service at any time, however doing so during the first six months of your contract will result in our removing one of your limbs. Discontinuation during the remaining eighteen months of your contract may incur penalties including, but not limited to, the firebombing of your place of residence, the injection of liquefied snail repellent into your grandchildrens' carotid arteries, and/or the placement of flaming bags of dog faeces on your doorstep."

"Agh?" said Joyce.

"Great! Please hold for a moment while I fill out this form... Ok! All done. Thank you for joining Beryl's Inane Observation Family. Please feel free to contact our extremely expensive and unreliable helpdesk at any time."

"Wha?" said Joyce.

"What?" said Beryl. "Oh, I was just saying, the council will rue the day they designated this an off-lead park..."

1 comment:

TimT said...

You should introduce Beryl to the Major.