Thursday, 25 February 2010

10 rules for writing fiction

1. In 99.9% of cases, don't.

2. Writing in blood will add a much-needed touch of sickening horror to your work; it will also indicate to publishers that you mean business.

3. "When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a meat lovers pizza in his hands." (Chandler)

4. Never use a verb other than "ejaculated" to carry the dialogue, eg. "'I don't really know what to say to you, Ivan Ivanych,' Nastasya Petrovna ejaculated tearfully." (Chekhov)

5. Use as many exclamation points as possible! No! Really! Do!!!

6. Never open a book with the weather. Use your fingers instead.

7. Talk about writing constantly, using the word "craft" whenever you get stuck for words.

8. Writing is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration, so make sure you wipe down your chair every so often.

9. "Good prose is like a window pane. Bad prose is like a door. No, wait - a chimney! Or maybe a faded armchair with like gummy worn bits on the armrests. Bad prose is definitely like something yuck." (Orwell)

10. Try not to read much, if any, fiction. It'll only give you ideas.


Gemma Noon said...

thanks for making me laugh! I love number 6 :-)

Lara said...

Well, I've been ejaculating (laughter, mind) since reading this. Bravo, and thanks to MJH for the link to you.

Hagelrat said...

ha excellent.

Mark Lawrence said...

Brilliant! When I began reading no. 3, I thought it was going to say have a man come through the door with a meat cleaver…

But that's the point, eh?

Who linked to it to boost your hits, btw? They knew a good thing when they spotted it.

Lesath said...

Thanks for this. #1 is the one that's actually true... :)