1. In 99.9% of cases, don't.
2. Writing in blood will add a much-needed touch of sickening horror to your work; it will also indicate to publishers that you mean business.
3. "When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a meat lovers pizza in his hands." (Chandler)
4. Never use a verb other than "ejaculated" to carry the dialogue, eg. "'I don't really know what to say to you, Ivan Ivanych,' Nastasya Petrovna ejaculated tearfully." (Chekhov)
5. Use as many exclamation points as possible! No! Really! Do!!!
6. Never open a book with the weather. Use your fingers instead.
7. Talk about writing constantly, using the word "craft" whenever you get stuck for words.
8. Writing is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration, so make sure you wipe down your chair every so often.
9. "Good prose is like a window pane. Bad prose is like a door. No, wait - a chimney! Or maybe a faded armchair with like gummy worn bits on the armrests. Bad prose is definitely like something yuck." (Orwell)
10. Try not to read much, if any, fiction. It'll only give you ideas.